Last week was the annual Mercedes-Benz  Fashion Week – it’s THE week of weeks for the sartorially inclined in Australia. I like watching the shows online. I’d like to watch in person more but no-one ever invites me. I scanned my Instagram with particular interest this year. The collections paraded will hit the shops a few weeks before First Born’s barmitzvah, so I’m in the market for a spectacular outfit or two. Unfortunately,  “we” have some major expenses coming up, so apparently that is ALL I’m in the market for until then. Very hard to be Shopping Girl without shopping……but details, details. 

Anyway, fabulous outfits aside, I like to keep an eye on the latest from Australian designers. It’s not just that I can’t afford international designers, Australian designers seem to get me. They get my lifestyle. They know what I want to wear. There is barely a season that goes by, that I DON’T have a wish list from Zimmerman, Ginger & Smart, Bianca Spender et al. 

Truth be known, and contrary to popular belief, I don’t spend my days doing lunches, fashion shows and sipping champagne. It’s all very well looking hawt while I swan around WBJ but I need my fashion to work for me at school drop off (and pick up), at the supermarket, at the sink, and the washing-line  (where I spend a stupid amount of time) and, most importantly, in the park.

So let’s see, how will the 2016 collections work for me?

Let’s start with Maticevski, he was the opening night after all. 

Okey dokey then……I can see how this works on the runway. And why this would be worth creating just for the media buzz BUT I do have to say….Toni? This really does not work for me. Nor any other mother I know. And just general, functional non-mothers.  I NEED my hands. I cannot cook dinner with my hands tied behind my back. I cannot push a swing. Okay fine….I supposed I can kick a swing. But I cannot drive, and driving, in my line of “work”, is everything.  My hands and arms are pretty crucial in just about every day to day scenario in which I envisage myself. That “piece” is pretty, and certainly dramatic, but seriously? I’d prefer it just hung there like a pendulum and gave me use of my hands. 

Okay….Ginger & Smart I love you. Don’t get me wrong. I really do. I could buy 5 of your ($600) dresses every single collection. I sometimes think I must be your third sister, separated at birth. But girls? I cannot SEE out of this hat. Yes, yes, it may provide excellent SPF but I have 4 boys to watch over. There’s a whole mummy mafia who will crucify me if I don’t. And I might end up on Bondi Rescue as the sun smart mum who wasn’t watching (nay couldn’t watch) her toddler near the water. 

The bag on the other hand? Excellent. In Fashun-speak, that would be called a Weekender. I would call it “a morning out with children”. The bag should just about fit everything in, though the kids will still have to carry their own towels if we head to the beach. 

Moving on and Emma Mulholland seemed to be more in my world with her playful designs. I saw the headbands:

And I thought “yes! You get what my life is like”. I saw the star stickers on the models’ faces and I thought “been there”. Given, my kids generally stick those little fruit stickers on me, rather than stars, but you know, same concept. 

However where Mulholland is clearly not designing for me is the boob spacemen. It’s like her head is all PlaySchool and then the body is all, well, Alien. Sigourney Weaver type Alien. I can’t wear that. My kids will have nightmares and they’ll wake me up in the middle of the night. I’d rather wear the fruit stickers.

You almost had me. That skirt is heaven. I am ready to hand over my credit card but for goodness sake why is it COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT?? I can’t go to parent teacher night with my undies on display. Actually I can’t go anywhere with my undies on display. For just so many reasons, really.  Steven Khalil: Line the skirt, and you have a sale.

Well this is a surgery waiting to happen, Alice McCall. I don’t know about you, but when I kneel down to button up a small shirt or tie up a shoelace, my kids start randomly poking me in the face. The Todder Formerly Known as Baby N actually takes handfuls of hair from each side of my face, and then rubs it all over my face, in a sort of banana smearing motion.  I now involuntarily shout out “don’t touch my face!” when I drop on one knee.  I can see myself losing the piece of cartilage between my nostrils. I like having separate nostrils. I don’t want one big nostril. No face jewelly for me. 

But not all designers fell victim to totally impractical designs for a stay-at-home mother of 4. Here are some that come with the Shopping Girl stamp of approval.

Steven Khalil

You can hide anything under this dress (assuming it gets lined). A pregnancy. Even just a food baby. An extra child into a movie that you don’t want to pay for. The options are endless. Volume is good.

Georgia Alice

This top is genius. For anyone, like me, who has more children than hands, no need for fights anymore over who gets to hold them. Everyone gets a strip of sleeve instead. There’s even extras for friends. I once said I needed to be an octopus to be a mother. Now I can be.

Let’s start with my friend on the left. What is she wearing? Is it a coat? Is it a picnic blanket? Is it a quilt? Who knows, but how much more perfect could a garment be than to combine all three. Perfect for those freezing Sunday morning soccer games, with hungry siblings who’ve come along for the ride.  Thank you Romance was Born.

As for the girl on the far right, let’s just say: my kids go to a religious Jewish school, so biblical dress ups come in more handy than you might generally think. Mum’s jacket by night, Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat by day.

And these last two? Well they are just utter style. I am happy just gazing upon their simple perfection. 

Bianca Spender

By Johnny

Stay tuned next time, for the opposite end of the spectrum. The designers who are designing with actual, child driving, food cooking, non-parade going people in mind.

XOXO Shopping Girl